If I Got Choked and Died

As I sit here eating raw indomie, I can’t help but think of how much I’ve missed you.

I’m crying too, not because of you, but because I put too much chilli on the raw noodles.

It’s been a minute since I put something to paper, or rather, typed something out. Today is the day tunatoa lock. One second please, I need to go cook my indomie before it chokes me.

Imagine how weird it would be if I got choked and died. My soul would be there, queueing for judgement as an angel calls out names one by one.

‘Manyeki, the Manyeki who died of old age yesterday. Yeah, you kicked a puppy when you were 30. The audacity! Please make your way downstairs to hell room 666.’

‘Henzel, the Henzel who had an unfortunate run in with a bus. Yes, I can see here that you religiously let a family of mosquitoes suck your blood because you didn’t want them to starve. Please proceed upstairs to heaven room 777.’

‘Wahito, the Wahito who…(laughs)…the Wahito who got choked by a noodle. Yeah you were supposed to go to hell but your death story is funny kid. Now get in here and say hi to Moses.’

Wait, that’s not half bad. It’s a shame that my noodles are already done boiling. Quick question though, how do you eat noodles with a spoon?

Never mind, I’ll just use my bread knives as chopsticks and no, I don’t wanna talk about my forks or lack thereof.

Back to business now. If you follow me, you’ve probably wondered where I disappeared to. Wait, you haven’t? I can tell that you’re in denial, you know you love me.

Long story short, my creative mojo just up and left a few months back, just like my (non-existent) social life.

I’ve been trying all sorts of witchy-woo to make it zoom back- new hairstyles, singing songs backwards, dancing on rooftops, flying on brooms, the usual.

Nothing’s worked but I do recommend the dancing on rooftops thingie. Si you know the saying- the higher you go, the cooler your dancing becomes.

Michael Jackson has nothing on me right now. I’m smooth, now I just have to work on the criminal part.

Other than trying to get my mojo back, I’ve also resumed school. I mean school school.

No more scraping up coins to buy bundles for an online class that I basically zone out three minutes in and zone in once some random person accidentally switches on their mic the exact second that they’re yelling, “Pitisha hiyo blunt buda. It’s funny how huyu lec huona kama tunaskiza hii nonsense.” …directed by Robert. B. Weide.

If I decided to tell you how physical school is, then the ministry of Health would be on top of us in seconds. I wish I was exaggerating.

We’ll survive though; our immunity is holding up even though the only veggies we eat are the tunyanyas and vitunguus in smokie pasuas.

But I’ll sleep soundly knowing that no matter how bad things get, my immunity will always be stronger than the relationship between you and your crush.

Don’t act like you’ve forgotten about those gray ticks. How long’s it been now? Two days? Two weeks? Oh no honey, it’s been two months, hasn’t it?

Words of encouragement- when they get out of their relationship, you’ll probably be third on their potentials list. Don’t give up champ. A few more years and then you’ll be first.

I’m glad we’re all caught up. Yei I even managed to squeeze in some extremely helpful advice for you.

I could go on but I’m out of noodles. Ciao.


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