Tinder

Yow. It’s been a minute my G’s. How are you? Last I was here we were deep into Sauti Sol and BnB and Bambam things. I mean, quite a long time innit? Yaani, so much has happened. Second lockdown here at home, BBI is seemingly dead, another year is down without getting laid, jokes- not a year but a decade. Anyway. Niko sawa. My wrists are just worked out from carrying this gigantic Xiaomi Redmi Note 9 pro everywhere. I know samovyu (loyal ten readers of my tiny blog) are wondering how I jumped ship from OPPO- these things happen. They do. One day you love jeeps, the next day you want a German machine. One day you are die hard Apple ninja then the next, you can’t seem to get enough of the Android world. The freedom to customize your OS, variety of choices, a playstore, the ability to try out an app without actually paying for it (we call them cracked versions) – if you’re not getting the metaphor, I’m talking about relationships. And this is the last time I’m explaining these things to you.

I had this teacher who called metaphors “matavas”. God help her current students.

One thing I love most about this Redmi is its speed. It gets things done in seconds. That’s what she said. It never hangs. Doesn’t buffer. Doesn’t lag. And jeez does it have space- 128 gigs in all. The best cameras. But cameras in Kenya don’t really help. You know, in the States, guys will film police brutality on their phones and something will be done about it. Or they’ll film these ‘miraculous angels caught on camera’ YouTube vids and such content will have us staring at our phones dead into the night. In Kenya you’ll try recording a law enforcement officer and he’ll take your phone- and if you’re lucky, he’ll delete all videos and give it back. Otherwise, for most of us, it would end hapo kwa “he’ll take your phone”. He/she. As for miraculous recordings, watch these Televangelist channels. You’ll see people grow arms and regain eyesight and my all-time favorite, The Pastor will remove your passport that you never applied for from his shoes! Mnanifurahishanga sana.

So yes, Redmi is extremely fast. Even charging. It charges for less than an hour. And, and, aaaand, wait for it… it is a type C. I have never told you guys how I always wanted to be part of the 1% whose chargers you can’t borrow during a BnB escapade or those birthday parties of yours. It’s type C. There is no right way to connect this cable to your phone. Ati ooh, kutafuta shimo kwa giza. Kupindua pindua. Kuchange position. Hapana. Unachukua, Unaweka, Waaaaah! Hehehee. So away from that whole nonsense, Redmi can actually multitask. Like ya ukweli. Its RAM and Processors are so fast, you can have twenty apps running simultaneously with no drop in performance in any of them. Redmi is like a Kijana wa Nairobi. Yeye ni wako ukiwa na yeye. These Nairobi women and men have twenty simultaneous loving and flourishing relationships and they don’t drop in performance. Just like these apps have different functions, so do the relationships. Kuna yule boyfriend wa pesa, ule wa sekede, ule wa pombe, wa ngwai, wa mamovie latest, wa playlists moto, ule ako na keja yake, wa home, wa shule, wa kuenda maform, wa exams, wa assignment, fundi, wa ticket za SautiSol na BlanketsandWines. Nimechoka. For guys, it’s simpler, kuna ule main mama. The one who brings the order and stability in your life. Kando na huyo sasa 😂😂, kuna the amazing cook, the one your mum thinks you’re dating, as usual, wa shule, wa home, wa Juja, wa KU, wa MMU, wa church, ule ulijaribu tu kupita na yeye but ako na assertiveness sasa amebaki kuwa therapist. Ogopa Nairobi. 😂. I digress. Ati how do I know all this? It’s in the manual.

Speaking of Nairobi, ama do I go back to Redmi so that I can segue into the main agenda of the day. The reason why you’re here. You curious baby. So Nairobi. Nairobi is not the capital city as you may imagine. Nairobi is any locality where the Digital Millenium runs the place. Naks is Nairobi, Juja is Nairobi, Kitengela is proudly Nairobi, Mombasa is a bigger and shadier Nairobi than Nairobi actually is. Lemme tell you a Kirinyaga is Nairobi story. We know Kirinyaga. Iko ushago. So I don’t know what’s the deal there. We’d gone there for one of those Family Cousins things, sijui taking dowry or something. And night came and that meant the folks went drinking as a group, the vijanas too went separately as a group and the vipii (boys) went to do housechores and alladat stuff- milking cows and farming idk. We were not in the town centre. We were nowhere near any town but there was electricity so yaay! As vijana, we had the team from Nyairofi (born taos) and the local kienyeji variety. We went into this shaake. Gazzibo thing. That joint right there, is the Santorini of interior Kirinyaga. Leave the drinks alone, ratish and the like, they were fine. This is what blew me away:

Walai umefuatilia.

This is what went down; the gazzibo had room for like 70 people. It was spacious, good lighting, tusker tabletops and those white kenpoly planyo chairs za harusi and funerals. There was music. It was typical of me to expect some Samido or Firirinda type of music but no, they were playing Nyashinski and Khaligraph and Rekless. Jeez. Why was I telling you this? Oh yes. At around 1 a.m. , an army of these slim slayqueens glowing with makeup showed up. I’m just 19 years old then, but I knew what was about to go down. Was I just about to get my first lap dance? Would Omuzigidi even cooperate with this chilly weather of Kirinyaga? The army started dispersing in different directions, infiltrating the vicinity. I wanted to get lucky so bad. I began to search for boobs. I had enough knowledge to know that boobs are always warm. Knowledge is power guys. Ahhh. I digress. We were talking about Redmi and Nairobi. I’m already past 1000 words, I’ll finish this Kirinyaga story in the next piece so ensure you subscribe.

So Redmi.

Redmi has this LED light that lights up in the headset speaker groove. Its lights up when you’re charging and also, when you have notifications. Samsung guys you know this. That kalight. Personally, I have this turned off for all my apps because, I’m trying to spend less time in all this social media apps frenzy and all. So, I never get notifications from apps. So, real quick, I just want to tell Jenna if she’s reading this, “I know you’ve blocked me because you think I was ghosting you after that amazing night at Santorini (it wasn’t even a night cause of curfew. Damn evening…)- after that amazing evening at Santorini. I opened whatsapp two days later and found your texts, and yes I’d like us to do that again soon and yes, I have your earphones. I’m not that type of guy who does what we did and steals your earphones then ghosts you. I’m sorry. Unblock me.”  Guys ifikie Jenna, lightskin, petite, macho kubwa rembo sana. 😂😂😂😂. I’m wasting your time. I’m sorry. Ndio hii segue;

Segue /’segwei’/ verb:

move without interruption from one piece of music or scene or comedy (as is in my case) to another. Ndio kukuwe na flow.

So, I switched notifications off, nothing new. But today, the LED light has lit up. I have a notification. It’s from Tinder. It reads: Tinder: You’ve got a superlike – play it cool by checking it out immediately.

Am I on Tinder? I had almost forgotten. I am on Tinder. Kenyans, being on Tinder is not a crime. Tinder is not Xhamster- relax. But Tinder, Tinder is tender. How I got into tinder should probably be where I should start this short story.

So you read BnBs everywhere in my stories. BnB is bed and breakfast. It’s like renting your mansion or condor for a night or two. During that time, you own the mansion and everything in it. That’s how watu wa Nyairofi we go out nowadays. Download the AirBnB app, book a house in Malindi for two nights, six bedrooms, get five or more of your boys and their mamas, and yours too, hire a van. Roadtrip. Get there. Enjoy your weekend. Drinks, Yengs, Shamra shamras, keleles and all the nderemos. Or Bible Study. Yes. Evangelism! Amen!! So, we are in this BnB, it’s past the proverbial godly hours and half of the crew is either passed out on the carpets or grass outside or they’re coupled in a bedroom somewhere “sleeping”. Now, the rest of us are sat in a perfect circle like a cult. The drinkers have their tumblers. The lung cancer enthusiasts have their suicide sticks. And in the middle of the circle is an empty bottle of chrome gin quorra and a deck of cards. We are conducting a general election between a spin the bottle game of Truth or Dare or a more subtle game of poker where “ukikulishwa kadi” you take shots. Spin the bottle wins. Obviousy. Hormones were beginning to act up so why not disguise our hidden desires with “ilikuwa dare!”

So, the game starts of mild. The rules are simple, when the bottle chooses you, you pick truth or dare. The bottle can pick you but not more than twice before everyone else has been picked. If it does pick ou more than twice, you delegate. Finally, you can’t pick truth both times. The bottle did enough rounds without feeling like picking this beautiful face of mine. Then as fate would have it, this hot mama I’d being throwing glances at got a third pick by the bottle. Who does she delegate to? Yours truly, Roosh. (Sarush. Me.) Now, I’m no mind reader, but I knew where this was headed. And I liked it. Muzigidi liked it too. Her name is Magda. Who names their pretty daughter Magdalene? Parents!

So, I don’t like truth questions because, I will always lie. And I don’t want to burn in hell because of lying like Ananias and his booboo. So I pick dare and prepared my lips for imminent activity. And a little extra.

“Dare! Iko nini.” I proudly grunted.

Magda gets up, and the whole cult starts screaming wildly. I start screaming in my heart too (kimoyomoyo awfully translated). She gracefully crawls to my side of the circle and sits directly infront of me. She’s evidently tipsy. She places her left hand on my lap and the right one on my cheek. Is this what I have always been waiting for? I was ready. Mimi if I’m to burn in hell it’s because of a heavy X-Rated sin like the likely eventuality of this dare. Siendi hell mimi juu ya kuiba sukari. If I go, I go like a legend. 😂😂😂😂😂

“Pretty boy, I dare you, to take out your phone, download tinder and tell the first match you get that you want to destroy her like she’s got no rights.” (This sentence has been paraphrased for audience purposes)

This was not how I expected the dare to play out, but that’s how it did. Magda if you reading this, I still want to destroy you like you got no rights. Hehe.

And that’s how I have Tinder.

If you still here till now, leave a comment. We are having a Manenoz T-shirt give away in a few weeks and you deserve one! You are not a quitter.

So, back to my main story, notification from Tinder. You see, tinder is a dating app. But there are two types of people on Tinder, those looking for love and those who found love, and love did them like they had no rights and now, they are just looking for a good time. The no rights way. If ykyk. Some of these people from both groups are very blatant. They have on their bios, “No hook-ups,” or “no commitments” or “no boys, just men” or “Philippians 4:13” But coming to think of it, Philippians 4:13 may send the wrong message to us @ username Mariah, 24, living 12 km from me. You can do everything you freak? Ama you can do everything through Christ? 😁😏😂

So back here, Tinder: You’ve got a superlike – play it cool by checking it out immediately. So I decide to play it cool. Ahhh. I find Jamilla, 24years, Flight attendant in training, 12km away. Bio: I’m 6’1 and slim. Real and cute. Please no games! Baddie vibes. Chill, that’s not my age.

I’ve not used this app since Magda night but I’m curious. Jamilla, are you looking for love ama baddie vibes? Anyway, swipe right! Like. I hope your age is lower than that.

Several mamas here; lemme see. There’s Maryann, 18 years, 3km. You look nice Maryanne. Swipe right! There’s Jackie, 21 years, JKUAT, 6 km away. Jkuat is 6km from town? Alaa. But why haven’t you posted your photos Maryanne? Do you have a surprising face? Ogopa Juja. Swipe left! Ahh Sherry, 18 years, verified account haiyaa. Recently active. Bio: Am just here to make friends and for vibes and nothing else, three winking emojis!!! What does that mean Sherry? Winking emojis??? Reverse psychology? Is there somrthing else?? And it’s ‘I’m’ not ‘am’. Ah! Deal breaker. Swipe left!

Gina, 21 years, bio: 10 days till I remove tinder. Now, you see, this is the second type of people on Tinder. They are not blatant about what they want. They post their pics in nice booty shorts, and/or bikinis but their bio be: Vibes only. Leaving soon tho. Or nothing at all. What do you want. Say what you want! Anyway, let me go on with this curiosity trail. Jenifer, 21 years, African Nazarene, 6km away. Now Jenifer, that is clearly a Nokia phone with an Apple sticker. Swipe left! Maurine, 19 years. Less than a kilometre away. You are very, very, very pretty. Wow. Swipe right!

Okay, wait wait wait. Halima, 19, Bio: I have a good leadership skills. I am interesting. Wait, Halima, this is not LinkedIn. Then there is this one, lemme show you the bio. She’s fine but I’ll swipe left.

Haiya Priscilla here is interested in both parties. She says “Let’s see what you got.”

I’m loving Tinder. Tinder is like the mature Instagram. On insta you want people to want you but yet again, you don’t want them to think that you want them to want you. You feel me. Me and you both be scrolling discover page and lick our screens at pics of Aaliyah Khan (She’s in all my dreams, I swear). Ifikie Aaliyah 😏😂  You’ll see these eye candy ladies and want them for “no commitment but hookups but still happy to see where things go” but their bios read Gain with Mchina! Mtu anachoka tu.

My take? All the guys looking for love waende Instagram and all other people wabaki tinder. Tujuane vizuri. I know you’ll say that Tinder is for dating and finding love. But this is Kenya. I’ll pull a very resonating piece by Mejja Genge about our beautiful country. Tabia za wakenya (Kanairo)

Karibu Kenya, tuna tabia zetu tu.

Anyway, I’ve got my first match! Anna, 22, recently active. Bio: Modest. I believe there is a reason for a chat section in this app sooo, if you can’t chat here kindly swipe left. Prettier in person, I guess you just have to meet me to find out.

Alright guys, I’m going in with this one. Lemme change my bio to something more straightforward. Mhh. Profile username @Roosh, 21, Bio: Just wanna get laid.

Let’s see.