The number of times you expressed your desire to “break patterns” soon became sickening. But wonderfully, it held up properly in its own way. You indeed, found yourself a new obsession and muse, and you unabashedly revelled in dwelling on and fantasising about it. First, there was the fact that you were totally blindsided. By the obsession, yes, but also by the occurrences leading up to it. It’s new (not), exciting (absolutely frustrating and lacklustre!) and promising (i.e., void of any promise/future whatsoever.)
You eventually take a step (backward). No, really, after weeks, you just might have hit rock bottom and accomplished THAT major setback. Far cry from the minor comeback that you (the fifty people, and counting, living in your head) had hoped it would be.
Afterwards, there’s not much to say, because the ice, and your being, has pretty much been broken and you have no idea what to expect. There’s no room even for delusions, or presumptuous conclusions, or the things you tell yourself to be able to sleep at night, all of which encourage your passion; all of it has been stripped away.
Everything has been said and, possibly, done, without really being said or done at all. A battle of will, senses, knowledge, reverence and no clear winner. Definitely not you. And oddly, an unawareness of whether a battle truly exists, or a mere void. Nothingness. Nonchalance. It irks you to know that…, well, that a statement like this one has no finite conclusion.
Eventually, you realize that you’re hardly ever at the steering wheel. Hardly ever captain of the ship. And when things become almost clear enough for you to take control, the fog reforms. It’s like there’s always something barring, blocking, preventing. And you start to wonder whether it’s all connected, and what exactly it is that makes you tick. And whether there’s a way to view your existence from a temporally and physically defiant lens. There’s a word for that, and it’s perspective.
Afterwards, with all that said and done, maybe you’ll stop drowning and start swimming. Maybe you’ll have gradually cultivated something worthwhile. When things come full circle, and a sense of normalcy, self and relative ease has stuck around, you know you will have found it.