I look at her and she does not remind me of anyone from my past. Her eyes give me the feeling that I don’t need anything else. Her hand slowly caresses my body awaking the monster inside me. I want to be vulnerable with her. Is it her energy or is it the fact that she truly understands my desires. She knows my insecurities but when I am with her, they all fade away. She knows my faults and loves me no less. When I hear her laugh time stands still and at that moment everything seems ok. Then it dawns on me. I don’t deserve this. She’s too good for me.
I hate myself because I know I lack the ability to love. So much self-loathing because I know she deserves to be loved. At this moment I already know how it ends, at some point she discovers it’s all fake. It’s all an act. Then she leaves. It was not love but why do I miss her so much, is it the fact that when she was around, I felt a little less sad. Or is it, because she made me feel less alone. Maybe I don’t want to be happy, because I know if something makes me happy, it will make me twice as sad when it’s gone. Spoiler alert it never stays. Maybe I don’t deserve to be happy.
She’s been gone for a while, they say time heals but maybe after all that time the pain just becomes part of me. I think it’s time I start living my life again. How could she do this to me. I know I did it to myself but maybe blaming her and hating her helps me hate myself a little bit less. I pick up a book to read only to pick her favorite one, turn on the TV, all I can do is reminisce about the late nights we got high and binge watched shows. Take a walk down the street I see her, ooh wait that’s not her. My mind is playing tricks on me. Am I losing my mind? Going through her Instagram, looks like she’s happy. She found someone that loves her, like she deserves. She looks happy. I should be happy for her, but seeing her so happy reminds me that I’ll never have that. I can’t be happy for her. I lost her. I feel pain just holding on.
I’ll try again. Well maybe this time I’ll do it different, maybe if I tell her everything from the beginning she’ll understand or maybe I’m hoping to scare her away and avoid the whole cycle. She seems to understand. She says she can change me. She says she’ll teach me how to love. She says she’ll always be there for me. People say they’ll always be there for you but do they understand what this really means? Will you be there when I wake up in the middle of the night because I’m afraid to go back to sleep, in my dreams that’s where the monsters become real. Will you be there to hold me tight when the pain becomes too much to bear. Will you hug me till I forget about the saddens inside. Will you still be there when you come home to find me on the kitchen floor foaming from my mouth? Will you be there in the emergency room waiting to hear from the doctor? Don’t promise me that. Sometimes I’m not even there for myself.
The pain goes away, doesn’t it? Is she my guardian angel here to pull me from the darkness …….NO..…… I guess only damaged souls understand damaged souls. It all starts with a simple greeting only to end with a complicated goodbye. It’s all scripted, isn’t it? What’s my happy place you ask? In my happy place the forest is dark, the trees are sad and all the butterflies have broken wings. Is it possible to feel this much pain and so numb at the same time? Pain makes you strong, I don’t want to be strong I want to be happy
Everything is silent, I just sit there in the darkness and my mind runs free. Thoughts flood my mind, sad thoughts, scary thoughts. I understand the mind is a powerful place, but maybe the power does not belong to me. I lack the strength over my thoughts and that scares me. They judge you when you harm yourself, but do they know? Do they know what it feels like to feel nothing? Do they know how it feels to prefer physical pain over feeling nothingness? Do they know how it feels to really consider death a sweet release? Did I break somewhere along the way or was I born broken. Well does it really matter, all I can do is hope it gets better. But does it really get better or is that just something we tell ourselves? Something to help us get out of bed in the morning, something to help us put on that fake smile, maybe it’s something that helps us forget the fact that no matter what we do it doesn’t really matter at the end. We are just here to suffer and die.
Ooh what a big middle finger from the universe, guess what you: I’ll wait till you are all happy and everything’s going well, the future looks promising. HAA maybe things do get better, maybe I can finally be happy. NOPE here comes the universe screwing everything over again. The cycle begins again. The sadness becomes a part of us, you even forget how it feels to be happy. You find peace in the sadness.