It’s no secret that dating is currently a dumpster fire for the majority of people. And while everyone is caught in the frenzy of searching for a scapegoat to comfortably shove the blame on, the reality: that those dancing to the tune of toxicity are in a futile race to avoid the risks that inherently come with dating, remains the elephant in the room, directly tackled by none.
Yes, there are no guarantees in love. As much as you would hope that your value is recognized and correctly appraised as a partner by whomever you chose to be in a relationship with, you aren’t guaranteed that, regardless of how worthy you may look to everyone else outside of that relationship with you.
And in an effort to mitigate the fear that your investment in one (relationship) may all go down the drain due to your significant other’s poor judgment, lack of character, or general failure to prioritize your well-being, we fall back into the “play them before they play me first “ where none of us gets nowhere, and the issue -a lack of security or confidence in your choice of partner- remains unacknowledged and unaddressed, possibly even subconscious.
I’m hoping you’ve tried running from your feelings and insecurities long enough by now to recognize there is no way to ignore them out of existence, but if you happen to still be on the market for some extra cardio, fear not, the track is that way.
Social media does play a major role in our perception of self and others and consequently how we present ourselves in relationships with others, by shaping a plethora of opinions that guide our conduct and behavior, sure. But ultimately delegating the responsibility of managing our discernment to the media, however, doesn’t only shed light on dangerous lapses in our judgment, but is also unequivocally unwise. Which wouldn’t be subject to any shock value if the culprit was a lack of experience. That, however, isn’t the case.
In online dating, sending messages which suggest that you’re still interested in someone, when in fact you’re very unlikely to want to meet or have a relationship with them
Someone is already up in arms, I suspect, sanctioning a feeble attempt to discredit my assertion with a logically profound: “WHO HURT YOU? ENDA UKALILIE NA HUKOOO…”, owing to the fact that neither critical thinking nor dissecting objective criticism is their forte. I’d advise you to come back with a bigger gun, darling. That one’s not even loaded.
But I digress.
So Breadcrumbing, often (as seen above by the definition most commonly used) is used to conceptualize the intentional phenomenon of leading a person on, often in the context of dating. However, I’ve seen the manifestation of these traits in power games in relationships as a tool of mental and emotional abuse. The reasons why they occur need an entirely different conversation. Today, I’d like to center the discussion on the deliberate treatment of our significant others in a manner that leaves quite a lot to be desired.
Often missing in the conversation of weighing potential partners’ eligibility for a romantic (or otherwise) partnership, is an appraisal of the value we bring to their lives through it. If there is an appraisal, the conversation generally never matures beyond the hyperbolic presentation of our underwhelming traits that are more often than not, general at best.
The influx of people advocating for praise for lacking in value, trying to normalize being liked or loved for having nothing to offer as a person, is in its last capacity, astounding. No hygiene, aesthetic or cleanliness, no self-love, no self-awareness or self-control, no passion, no money or education, no goals or motivation, no mental or emotional stability, no passion or ambition or work ethic, no accomplishments or talent, no empathy and subpar interpersonal skills, no values or stable identity. Just nothing, nothing, nothing. Love me anyway, love me anyway, love me anyway.
Would you? Would you take what you’re offering if you were who you’re trying to attract?
The narrative that those that stay with you at your worst deserve to see you at your best is meant to preserve the importance of genuine comradery that is able to withstand challenges and to rightfully commend and encourage resilience. It is not meant to serve as an encouragement to keep your personal standards as far below excellence as possible. You shouldn’t be comfortable with everyone’s expectations of you to be operating at your barest of minimums as a standard. It is cruel of you to operate as your worst self by default and then expect everyone else to lower their standards so they align with yours.
It should wound you that your presence in other people’s lives is a compromise. That the greatest review that bears the testament of your contribution to their lives is annotated by “at least… ”, while you’re banking on how much worse it could have gotten but fortunately didn’t, to serve as the complete recollection of the best it’s ever been and could ever get with you.
What should alarm you, if anything, is how much of your prospective partner’s requirements list is an endurance test for weaknesses you’ve long gotten comfortable with if there is any hope for longevity with you.
You should take pride in your values and how undeniably positively you impact people’s lives including those you end up in various relationships with.
Building your value as a person is a personal responsibility. Bigger than getting anybody to like you. It is building a person whose skin you are comfortable wearing every day, someone you’re not constantly trying to change into someone else, or are ashamed to present to the rest of the world. Aspire to be impressive.
It’s a self-reflection thing.
It’s a self-respect thing.
Make a list of things you are proud of about yourself so naturally occurring you don’t have to repeat them in front of a mirror every morning.